First Kiss (tree bros)

While it’s no secret that the Jeremy and Michael are the, ahem, nastier couple, we must keep in mind that Connor and Evan are both still teenage boys.  Granted, neither of them are half as horny as Jeremy (and to a lesser extent, Michael), but still.  So due to an amusing series of anxiety-fueled miscommunications and false assumptions, they end up taking an almost absurdly long time to have their first kiss.  (Don’t get me wrong, they’ve still gone on dates and shit before this but the most they’ve done is like hold hands and cuddle)

Allow me to set the scene.

So Evan, anxiety-ridden boy that he is, just kind of assumes that Connor would never want to kiss someone like him, much less get intimate in any way.  

• “He’s probably not even into me... ”

• “Dude you two are literally dating right now.”

• “Is he even gay?  Maybe he’s just pretending or something.”

• “EVAN PLEASE”

He also assumes that he’d just mess everything up, so he never outwardly expresses any desire for that sort of thing.  Well, to Connor anyway.  He does occasionally allude to these desires when talking to Jeremy— they’ve both bonded over being anxious bi boys with cool stoner boyfriends.  

• On a side note, the boyf riends are like the “relationship goals” couple since they’re on the same wavelength like 90% of the time and have relatively few issues/miscommunications as a result of them being close friends for 12 fucking years prior to dating.  More than once have the tree bros independently gone to them for advice, and more than once have Jeremy and Michael had a good laugh over it.  Don’t worry, they do keep a modicum of what you could call “doctor-patient confidentiality”.  But they do share little tidbits from time to time, and if the other seems to have a matching piece of info then they spill the fuckin tea.  RESPECTFULLY OF COURSE.  It’s not that the tree bros are dysfunctional in any way, it's that they’ve got enough anxiety when it comes to the whole relationships thing that they’re both terrified of messing it up and driving the other away due to some perceived slight.  They get better over time though, which prompts no end of “they grow up so fast” jokes from the boyf riends.

Connor on the other hand, assumes Evan is too… innocent?... pure?... chaste?  (I’m not trying to cinnamon roll him but you know what I mean) Either way he’s under the impression that Evan doesn’t feel ready to do any of that stuff with him yet.  Which he’s totally fine with, and is totally willing to wait for Evan to be ready for that kind of thing.  But all the same, he’d really like to get a little closer to Evan, if you catch my drift.  And in a similar vein to Evan, he sometimes alludes to these desires for intimacy when talking to Michael.  The gay stoner boys took longer to develop a good friendshippy bond, but they end up being the kind of friends who can bring up deep topics out of the blue and just talk about pretty much anything with little censoring on either end.  

So one day the boyf riends are just hanging out and talking about shit, when Jeremy carefully drops a tidbit about Evan maybe possibly wanting to get a little closer to Connor.  He gives Michael that look like “if you’ve got some juicy info here’s an excuse to spill it”.  And BOY DOES HE.  They both spill the fucking tea my dudes.   

After having a good laugh over the silliness of it all, they debate whether or not to try and set up the tree bros in a situation where they are compelled to divulge this information to each other directly, or if they should just drop hints about it to their respective confidants and wait for love to take its course.  They eventually decide on the latter, seeing as playing matchmaker directly usually doesn’t end well for said matchmakers.  Getting their asses kicked by Connor is definitely not worth the potential hilarity.

So the next time the opportunity presents itself, Jeremy and Michael casually drop those hints at their respective tree bros.  They even manage to do it with relatively straight faces!  And as one might expect, the tree bros are practically ecstatic to have this new information because they can finally have their first kiss without having to worry about whether or not the other wants it, right?  Haha no.  They’re still nervous wrecks.    But they’ve been mentally steeling themselves for this moment for ages now.  THEIR BODIES ARE READY.  So a couple days after they acquire this information, everyone's on a fun trip out to the orchard—which is definitely where the tree bros went for their first date— and all the others are off exploring the place, leaving Connor and Evan alone together under that big-ass tree from For Forever.  Plus there’s this beautiful sunset.  The mood is perfect.  All they’ve gotta do is make a move.  So they do.  

It’s a very gentle kiss and not perfect by any means, but goddamn if it doesn’t make their hearts soar into the fucking stratosphere.  You can practically see the stars in their eyes when they pull back.  Connor’s cool with it if Evan wants to stop there, but in one of those moments of uncharacteristic smoothness that I mentioned back in the first headcanon dump, Evan’s like “hell no” and pulls Connor back in for another kiss.  A kiss that, I might add, is a hell of a lot deeper and more passionate than anything either of them had been expecting.  But oh boy do they want it.

• Not even a minute after the tree bros have started sucking face, Zoe, Jared, Jeremy, and Michael return from their little forest expedition.  They’re all laughing, chatting, and just having a grand old time, when suddenly Zoe fucking slams them all to the ground, tells them to shut up, and look at the the big tree on the hilltop above them.  The guys are all confused for a second until they notice what’s going on at the base of said tree.

• Jeremy and Michael are like “yesssss” and high-five each other because mission accomplished y’all

• Jared is trying to keep his snickering as quiet as possible because holy shit this is priceless but he also genuinely does not want to ruin this moment for the tree bros.  At least, not yet.  But either way he is totally going to heckle them about it later.

• Zoe’s reaction is a mix of the boyf riends’ and Jared’s: she’s happy for them but will totally be giving Connor shit for this later.  Also she is definitely prepared to teach Evan how to cover up hickies if necessary because we all know that he’d freak the fuck out about them if he winds up with any.  (hint hint he does)  (hint hint hint connor’s not without them either)  (zoe doesn’t think her bro would care all that much about them but will begrudgingly help him cover them up if he asks)

• But, you see, the four of them are in a fair bit of trouble here.  So the tree Connor and Evan are making out under is on a hilltop, right?  And Zoe, Jared, Jeremy, and Michael are all laying on their stomachs near the bottom of the hill.  Problem is, if they stand up to go anywhere, they run a fair risk of being seen by the tree bros and accused of spying on them.  Which, they were doing, but not in a malicious way, and certainly not the whole time.  

• Still, they can’t just stay there forever, since they’d get spotted anyway once Connor and Evan finish having their fun.  So what are these meddling kids to do?  That is exactly what the four of them begin debating once they realize their predicament.  

• After a minute or two of fruitless discussion, Jared gives a world-weary sigh and says something like “Welp, as fun as this is, I’m just gonna rip the bandaid off now.  You definitely won’t thank me later.”  As the other three teens look on in abject horror, Jared stands up, cups his hands around his mouth, and shouts “oOOOH, KINKY~” at the tree bros

• The four of them never knew true fear until that day

• If looks could kill, everything within a 10-mile radius of Connor Murphy would be dead before it hit the ground (except for Evan of course)

• Jared has never run so fast in his life and probably never will again

• Michael and Jeremy assert that they should be spared since they were the ones who dropped the hints that led to the kiss in the first place and therefore that cancels this out plus they weren’t here the whole time

• Zoe is torn between utter horror and laughing her ass off.  She settles for blaming Jared and going after him.

• Normally Evan would be flipping out but honestly he’s just kind of in this state of euphoria because god he’s wanted to make out with kiss Connor for some time now.  He sighs in only mild irritation/embarrassment, takes Connor’s hand while giving him a look like “you can maybe kick their asses later”,  plants a kiss on his cheek, and starts leading him down the hill.

• Connor does not, in fact, get to kick their asses later.  But he does get to shove Jared into a mud puddle and that’s good enough for him.  

Extremely long story short, Connor and Evan are the classier couple when it comes to PDA, but it’s not like they get zero action.  They’re just more private about it than the boyf riends.